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Whiskers, noses, pump-handles, etc.

A propos de moustaches, un court apologue dans Tristram Shandy de Sterne (5, 1). Nous sommes en Navarre, du temps de la Reine Marguerite. Il paraît alors une beauté à la cour, Monsieur de Croix, qui retient l'attention des dames. Cependant deux d'entre elles, la Fosseuse et la Rebours, en savent davantage sur lui que leurs compagnes et s'emploient, tout en restant dans les limites de la pudeur, à partager leur connaissance, intime, du personnage.

The Queen of Navarre was sitting with her ladies in the painted bow-window, facing the gate of the second court, as De Croix passed through it -- He is handsome, said the Lady Baussiere. -- He has a good mien, said La Battarelle. -- He is finely shaped, said La Guyol. -- I never saw an officer of the horse-guards in my life, said La Maronette, with two such legs -- Or who stood so well upon them, said La Sabatiere ---- But he has no whiskers, cried La Fosseuse -- Not a pile, said La Rebours.

Le succès du mot de la Fosseuse est fatal non seulement pour Monsieur de Croix mais pour le terme « moustaches » qui se trouve exclu du vocabulaire par la faute de l'association d'idées et de la même pudeur qui inspira son emploi. Conclusion et morale de l'histoire :

'Twas plain to the whole court the word was ruined (...) ---- It made a faint stand, however for a few months ; by the expiration of which, the Sieur de Croix, finding it high time to leave Navarre for want of whiskers -- the word in course became indecent, and (after a few efforts) absolutely unfit for use.

The best word in the best language of the best world, must have suffered under such combinations. -- The curate d'Estella wrote a book against them, setting forth the dangers of accessory ideas, and warning the Navarois against them.

Does not all the world know, said the curate d'Estella at the conclusion of his work, that Noses ran the same fate some centuries ago in most parts of Europe, which Whiskers have now done in the kingdom of Navarre -- The evil indeed spread no further then --, but have not beds and bolsters, and night-caps and chamber-pots stood upon the brink of destruction ever since ? Are not trouse, and placket-holes, and pump-handles -- and spigots and faucets, in danger still, from the same association ? -- Chastity, by nature the gentlest of all affections -- give it but its head -- 'tis like a ramping and a roaring lion.

 

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